Cancer’s Other What-ifs

Cancer’s Other What-ifs
Cancer brings a cycle of unwanted questions. Scary questions. Questions no one wants to ask. What if they can’t catch it? What if it spreads? What if it comes back? What if I die? What if I have to leave all the people I love behind? Will my daughter have to navigate the world without her mom? Last week, I was diagnosed with a urinary tract infection, an issue common enough, especially for women, that it shouldn’t be cause for alarm. But with cancer looming in my background, frightening questions started fogging up the back of my brain. My doctor said my urine tested positive for a bacteria so rare that medical professionals aren’t even sure it responds to antibiotics. And where it could have come from is anyone’s guess. I took the antibiotics they gave me and noticed immediately its peculiar side effect: sore tendons. So, while I limped around this week, my what-ifs have been particularly haunting. Every painful step I take reminds me that my health is precarious, that maybe my time here is running out. And although my husband hasn’t admitted to it, I know those insecurities have been more persistent this week for him, too. Part of the challenge of living with cancer is coming to terms with one of life’s great mysteries. We all know we’re going to die, but we don’t know when. And I don’t want that big question, in all of its various disguises, t
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